It was early evening when I received the call. My step-sister called me, I hadn't heard from her in years, to tell me that my father was found dead. Because we were not close and I had not heard from her in so long, I knew what she was going to tell me from the moment I saw her name on the caller ID. The state troopers had come to her house earlier in the evening and verified a familial relationship, then notified her that my father had been found dead in his house.
My father and I were close, although we lived thousands of miles away. Every Sunday we had a "phone date' and we would talk about life events, illnesses, the weather, and anything else that happened to come up. I had been unable to reach him for two Sundays in a row, and I was getting concerned but feared that if I acted upon my worries I would be over-reacting. It was the Monday following the second missed call that I was notified of his death, it is likely that he was in the house and no one knew for that two week period. He was a relatively healthy 68, no diagnoses of high blood pressure or heart disease, no medications, but he had not been looking well for some time. He had told me of falls and other things that concerned me, but there was no telling my father what to do. I begged him to get a "help! I've fallen and I can't get up" button, or at least a cell phone so if he fell or was otherwise unable to get to a phone in an emergency, he had a way to call for help. He had been suffering from depression for a little more than ten years, but initial treatment "didn't help" and he refused to continue to try, so he had essentially become a hermit. He left his house for groceries and the library, but he did not participate in living in any significant way.
Last year he came to Hawaii to visit me for a week. It was the first "face time" we'd had in years, and I am so glad that he was able to come and visit me, his grand-daughter, and his two year old great-grand-daughter. It was a wonderful visit, his first and only to Hawaii, and we were able to take him to see some sights and have a good time, but more importantly we were able to spend time together that didn't entail a telephone. I strongly encouraged him to get out and do something, take a cooking class at the community college, volunteer for some cause that he cared about, get a part-time job, anything to get him out of the house. Because neither of us were getting any younger, for the first time in our relationship we broached the subject of what his wishes were for end of life and final disposition. He advised me of his final wishes, his estate, finances, etc, which I promptly wrote down and put up for the future, for a date that I could not believe would ever really come to pass.
Flash forward to the present and I am physically disabled on a fixed income, my father has passed and the only way I have to get there to take care of things is through what was in his wallet and my step-sister getting it to me. He was clear that his estate was going to be split equally between us and there were no other beneficiaries of his estate, thus if she was willing to send it to me - no one else really should have cared about it. The plan was to western union me enough for a flight the next day, but I never received the call to notify me that it had been done. I called to my step-sister and received no answer. I called to my uncle and was informed that he was going to execute the estate. At this point I had been up for 24 hours, inconsolable, and all I wanted to do was honor my father's last wishes even though I was overwhelmed and grieving. My father, however, had not informed anyone else of his wishes and in the past, when I was younger and was probably thought unable to handle it, he had asked his brother to be the executor. Although I was now informing him of dad's wishes of a year ago, he was insistent on handling it, and with the estate now in a state of lock-down, I had no way to get there to do anything about anything.
During the time since his visit I had separated from my partner, and many of my belongings were at my old residence; including the paperwork that had dad's information on it. Dad's house was difficult to be in, as he had been in it for some time in the heat, and his paperwork was scattered about and not in order. No one can locate his will, insurance policies, or bank account information, if there was a bank account beyond the primary. Approximately two weeks before his death we had spoke on the phone and discussed what he needed to send to me so I would have these items in order when the day came that I required them to honor his wishes, it appeared in the days before his death he was trying to get the items together as there were literally piles of paperwork on the kitchen table. The family closer to his home is currently going through everything and trying to locate what they can.
In the meantime I remain thousands of miles away, but as the only recognized 'next of kin', even though my uncle is performing the part of executor, I have spent the last week faxing and phoning and giving permission for anything and everything required to follow my father's instructions. It would be much easier, in so many ways, to be there with the rest of the family to handle these issues, and I will forever have to live with the fact that I could not make it to my own father's funeral/memorial. I feel as though the opportunity to honor my father and perform my duties as his daughter have been taken from me, so I do what I can from where I am.
I have learned some lessons in this terrible situation that, with God's grace, I will never have to use the knowledge from. It is extremely important that families are open to talking about last wishes and insuring that affairs are in order. I knew, when my father was here last year, that he was probably not going to be around much longer, but I certainly would not have believed he would be gone so soon. We always believe we will have more time with the ones we love. There is no such thing as "too soon to talk about it", please make sure you know what your loved ones want, and they know what you want. Further, it is imperative that they know where your information is, and you theirs, in order to make this already difficult process as smooth as possible. Grief is difficult enough without adding hurdles to jump while you are grieving.
I miss my father and I would give everything for another day with him. I pray that his death was quick and painless, and I hope that anyone who reads this takes two messages from this: Never miss a chance to tell the ones you love how you feel, and insure the affairs of you and your loved ones are in order and accessible. I would not wish this situation on anyone, it is almost unbearable to be so far away during this time when the family should be together to support one another, to laugh and cry together at memories of my father, and to be present at the memorial services as a united family.
